ptsd

at the girl's last dr's appointment (about 2-ish weeks ago), the good dr. stated that we need to think about getting them off of their monitors. c jumped at the chance and i begged him to keep them on them. at their appt. before this one (about 2-ish months ago), he said that quinn would probably be on it for another 2 months and lynci another 6 months. i was good with that. his change of heart blindsided me and i was struck with fear.

when i mentioned this to the vantage lady (where the monitors are from), she told me that usually doctors order that the babies transition from 24/7 on the monitors to during feeds and while sleeping. i was good with this. so i called the dr and asked about it. on friday i received the call. the receptionist told me that the dr had reviewed my request and that the girls can come off of the monitors totally. i was so not good with this. i asked about the whole transitioning, and she told me that our dr doesn't do this and that the girls are fine to be taken off the monitors. i asked if we could keep them for a bit longer and transition ourselves. she laughed at me and told me to call her when we were ready to hand 'em in and the discharge papers would be written.

i know that i should be excited, and i am, but i am also terrified. if you ever watched your child turn blue, you would understand. if you ever witnessed your kid being bagged, you would get it. had that very scary episode (the one we were VERY lucky that i glanced at lynci when i did) never happened, maybe i wouldn't be as neurotic, but then again, maybe i would.

yesterday we let them go wireless all day long (even during naps). lately we have been turning their monitors off while they were awake in our arms, but this was the first time that we even had their leads off all day. we were a little sketchy during the car rides and nap times, but they did fine. right now they are both sound asleep, wireless, and are doing great. but i'm still nervous. of course, overnight they were both hooked right back up!

i know that i am driving c nuts. i am constantly questioning and checking on them. i know that she's right- that they are, and will continue to be, fine. but i am still taking all of the precautions that i possibly can- two angelcare monitors bought, two snuza halo's gonna be bought.

am i being overprotective? probably. but i can't help it. sometimes i think i am seriously having panic attacks over them. sometimes i can't sleep because i am busy watching their monitors and listening to them breathe. sometimes i have nightmares and that starts the cycle of overprotectiveness all over again. i know that they are big(ger) and strong and healthy, but it's really difficult letting that fear go. i know that i need to- it's not doing them or me any good at all.

paranoia will destroy ya!

mama! we're big girls!